DATE: 2005

POSTED ON: 08.16.07

There is a youth subculture – a subculture with its own mores, ethics, and language. No wonder adults have communication miscues with adolescents. Verbal communication with adolescents is not only infrequent but often strained and difficult. How do adolescents communicate? What are some principles one should use when communicating with adolescents? How do we listen to and interpret the verbal and non-verbal clues? What might these clues be communicating? How do we listen?

Culture of Abandonment
[The session began with the showing of a clip from the movie Children of Rockdale County].

I’ve shown this clip before and it never loses its power. The clip speaks to the culture of abandonment and loneliness of today’s adolescents.

As we look at today’s generation we see a generation of adolescents that are deeply wounded. We live in a culture that is permeated by relational brokenness. We see the fruits and consequences of no-fault divorces and researchers who 30 years ago were writing of the resiliency of children of divorce and even the benefits of parental separation who are now having to come to terms with the reality. We also live in a sexually addicted society. Rise in eating disorders, the prevalence of sexual, physical, and emotional abuse, and the overall neglect of today’s youth.

Chap Clark writes:

“On the surface, the adolescent world appears to be relatively stable and healthy. Yet beneath the calm waters presented by positive empirical data there is turmoil that is difficult, painful, and lonely, and even harmful to our young. Even among those who argue that adolescents are basically fine, virtually no one would question the need young people, and especially adolescents, have for adults who are available, care, and come to them without a hidden or self-centered agenda.” (Chap Clark, Hurt: Inside the World of Today’s Teenagers)

I appreciate Chap Clark’s quote, and truly believe that for us as parents, youth leaders, pastors, or counselors that listening to adolescents is directly connected with adults coming to them without a hidden or self-centered agenda.

We see in Scripture that Jesus understood the importance of listening. Even as a young boy he was sitting with the teachers in the temple, “listening to them an asking them questions and everyone was amazed at his understanding” (Luke 2:46–47). The apostle Paul understood that listening requires diligent work. When he was before Agrippa, he said, “I beg you to listen to me patiently” (Acts 26:3). The book of James tells us to “be quick to listen and slow to speak” (James 1:19). And the book of Proverbs says, “He who answers before listening-that is his folly and his shame” (Proverbs 18:13). The word listen occurs more than two hun¬dred times in the Scriptures.

Listening Unearths Hidden Feelings
Actively listening allows a context for teenagers’ hidden feelings to come to the surface.
Adolescents long to be pursued, they want someone to sense they are hurt without having to admit it. Les Parrott writes, many times that, “The cry of fear, for example, sometimes hides behind a fuming face. Pain or depression may lurk behind a stiff smile.”

Listening Creates a Safe Environment
Free from evaluation, listening creates a safe environment. It provides a place where hurting teenagers can know that they are not alone as they navigate a fallen and broken world. Being willing to listen without an agenda to posture of problem-solving invites teenagers to be honest about their emotions and the wounds of their hearts.

Listening Leads to Intimacy
To listen to another human being is a relational posture that invites as well as fosters intimacy. It is verbally and nonverbally communicating, “I long to know you, you’re a person of worth, value, and dignity that I can enjoy.” Listening shows a person you’re not alone.

I think for us to understand today’s youth culture, to listen to the needs of the adolescents around us is invitation for all of us here to wrestle with our hidden or self-centered agendas. It is a call for us whatever role we are in to humble ourselves and seek to understand what wages war against our ability to listen. How does our own sinful choices and how we have been sinned against play a part in how we relate to adolescents.

Chap Clark goes on to say, “The fact is that adolescents need adults to become adults, and when adults are not present and involved in their lives, they are forced to figure out how to survive.” (Hurt: Inside the World of Today’s Teenagers)

Over the years meeting with people as a counselor, there are many stories I been able to hear of children who had to figure out things by themselves.

Many of today’s youth have been relationally abandoned by the adults in their world. Many times they are invited to navigate this world on their own, or through abuse or neglect they are given a compass with a large magnet on the bottom.

One of the questions that is helpful for me to get a sense of an adolescent’s family when I meet with them is, “What does it look like when your father repents?” I go on to clarify the question by, “I don’t mean just quickly saying he’s sorry to move on to something else or to avoid conflict. But what does it look like when your father humbles himself and acknowledges that he has sinned against you and needs your forgiveness, and even asks questions to understand what he had done?”

Ninety-nine times out of 100 when I ask this question, adolescents and adult children as well look at me like I have three heads and basically communicate, “That was definitely not part of my home.”

When there is a lack of repentance in the family it gives testimony to an adolescent who is alone. It speaks to a lack of honesty, a lack of openness to truly listen and wrestle with brokenness, and a parent who has made the choice to hide their heart. And when we as adults make that choice to hide our hearts in relationship with others we damage our ability to listen to others.

The significance in adults making that choice with their hearts is that positionally they are parents/adults but emotionally, spiritually, relationally they are at best adolescents themselves.

A Father’s unrepentance and silence is just as destructive as a broken bone from physical abuse and, I would say, is even more damaging. You can’t see the wound caused by a father’s silence. You can’t quickly see the effects of a father or mother hiding their brokenness or denying their sin from their children.

In Colossians 3:21 it says, “Fathers do not embitter your children or they will become discouraged.” Another word for discouraged is to lose heart.

One author writes, “The postmodern family is often so concerned about the needs, struggles, and issues of parents that the emotional and developmental needs of the children go largely unmet.”

It’s not a coincidence that the largest growing demographic for users of pornographic material are youth ages 12–17. We see a culture in which youth are craving and longing for intimacy even if it is false intimacy. Even with the best of intentions, the way we raise, train, listen to, and even parent our children today exhibits attitudes and behaviors that are simply subtle forms of parental abandonment.

Chap Clark goes on to write,

“What is interesting is that many adults will highlight these and other activities as proof of their commitment to their young. ‘I drive my kid to all of these activities. I sacrificed my own life, work, avocation, and enjoyment in order to take these kids to soccer games, concerts, and competitions.’ This statement is in and of itself yet another subtle form of abandonment. We have evolved to the point where we believe driving is support, being active is love, and providing any and every opportunity is selfless nurture. We are a culture that has forgotten how to be together.” (Hurt: Inside the World of Today’s Teenagers)

So the question for all of us here today is: How can we enter into the lives of a generation of students who are truly hurting and dealing with the painful realities of abandonment? How can we offer our hearts, our presence, and communicate to today’s youth that they are not alone? How can we as parents, youth leaders, counselors listen to the needs and hear the longings of the adolescents around us?

I believe one of the main ways can begin the process of listening for life is to wrestle with our own stories.

Wrestling with Our Stories
[This part of the session began with a clip from the movie Ordinary People, in which a family is struggling to deal with the death of the oldest son one year earlier.]

Discussion of Clip
Several attempts on Conrad’s part to reach out to his mom.

Mom’s unwillingness to look at the past.

Unwillingness to wrestle with the pain or experience the joy from the past.

Need for control – things can’t get messy.

Mother’s unwillingness to wrestle with her story has radically impaired her ability to listen to her adolescent son, who is crying out — crying out for love, to grieve what was lost, to know he is not alone

When we choose to not wrestle with our story, our ability to see those in need or listen to those who are hurting is dramatically impacted.

Over the years, one of the difficult aspects of working with adolescents in youth ministry and in counseling has been the small minority of parents who have been willing to wrestle with their own sin and need for healing - as opposed to the families that bring a teen into counseling because they are the “problem” that needs to be fixed. While this trend has been sad, it hasn’t been surprising because, I think, for all of us there is a desire to avoid pain.

But how we deal with the pain, loss, and the wounds of our story can be barriers to our ability to listen. When I think of barriers to listening and having freedom in relationship with other people, one story comes to mind.

BARRIERS TO LISTENING

Landmines of the Heart – Landmines Are Relational Wounds
The story that caught my attention was the story of Verdun, France. Most Americans have all but forgotten a war that resulted in over 13 million deaths and an additional 13 million that were wounded. An article on this subject by Steve Curwood says, “Nations in which World War I was fought have very real present-day reminders. Shells and landmines from this so-called ‘war to end all wars’ still accidentally explode and kill people to this day.” Even though the battle of Verdun was almost 90 years ago, on average 90 people are killed each year in France alone, not including the other European countries where battles were fought—like Holland, or Denmark— because of these leftover weapons.

The landmines, or the relational wounds of our heart, keep us from being able to enter into adolescents’ lives and earn the right to listen to them and speak God’s gospel of grace into their lives. The reality is that we have been wounded relationally, which impacts our ability to relate to those whom God brings to us, including the adolescents in our lives.

Because of our sin and how we have been sinned against, our deepest fear is that, if we open up and share our brokenness, we will be abandoned and rejected. We attempt to put more dirt over the landmines and hide our woundedness. The fear of abandonment is at the core of our not being able to enjoy authentic relationships defined by intimacy.

Shame is the number 1 blocker to wrestling with our stories because shame is different than guilt. Guilt is about saying, “I’ve made a mistake and I need to change that.” Shame is a positional word: it’s who I am. It’s not just that I fail; I am a failure. I don’t just do something disgusting; I am disgusting. Shame is proven to us by events that confirm that we don’t deserve love and that there is no way we could truly be enjoyed by God or other people. Shame wages war against who we are as image-bearers of God. Because we believe that we are not worth really loving, we attempt to hide and keep people away. Why? Because, who wants to be rejected? It’s a belief that, if I let you close enough, it’s over, it’s history.

This is extremely important for us as parents and those dealing with adolescents. When we as adults give adolescents the power of life or death over our identities (our worth/value who we are) then they are ultimately alone and abandoned. There is no one there to parent them, no one to be concerned with their needs. The breakdown of today’s family through divorce, abuse, indifference, and cultural norms of relating has led to children being invited to fill the roles of fathers, mothers, husbands, and wives, even at the ages of 9, 10, 11, or 12.

I remember talking to one man who shared that his mother, who had been abandoned by her father when she had been a little girl and whose husband had left after having an affair, turned to him while driving in the car on a trip as they were talking about her story, and said, “I wish you had been my father.” The man said to me, “She might as well have thrown a bucket of ice water in my face when she made that comment. It gave words to the role that I had felt invited to since I was a little boy.”

As I mentioned earlier, adults coming to adolescents without a hidden or self-centered agenda provides a context for listening as well as intimate relationship. I want to be clear because it might seem like a contradiction. As parents we have a responsibility to share our brokenness and our need for God’s grace, a need to share our stories with our children in age-appropriate ways. We also need to acknowledge how we can invite adolescents to fill roles they were not divinely designed to fill: parent/spouse/counselor/financial advisor/mediator—the list goes on. So, when is sharing our stories good and when is sharing not so good?

Personal Sharing with an Agenda: Sharing to Give Something vs. Sharing to Get Something
Sharing to get something is, as I mentioned earlier, when we as adults give adolescents the power of life or death over our identities (our worth/value, who we are). It’s the father dealing with the unanswered question of how he measures up as a man, seeking that question to be answered by his own son. It’s the mother want¬ing the question answered that she asked and wondered as a nine-year old girl: “Am I beautiful, am I worth delighting?” It’s sharing to get these questions answered by the adolescents in their lives as opposed to being concerned about what God says about who they are.

Personal story: When it would have been good for my father to share from his own story. My break-up with girlfriend in college. Dad: “Just get over it.” A missed opportunity for intimacy; unwillingness to listen.

This made me think of the verse in Proverbs 25:20: “Like one who takes away a garment on a cold day . . . is one who sings songs to a heavy heart.” “Just get over it; no big deal,” was my dad’s way of singing a song to a heavy heart.

While that story might not have been helpful to me as a five-year old after my parents divorce, my dad’s sharing that part of his life and the pain he felt would have modeled a real masculinity, as opposed to a John Wayne masculinity where you get shot six times in the chest and still take the hill. In that moment, though, my dad’s unwillingness to listen, to enter into the pain and loss I was feeling, was as if he had ripped off a winter coat I was wearing in the middle of a blizzard.

Another Barrier that is worth mentioning is:

The Importance of a Non-Anxious Presence
As I mentioned earlier, it’s important that adolescents not have the power of life or death over our identities and self-worth.

Example: USA Today Article on teens and oral sex.

It’s important for teens to know that you’re not going anywhere, no matter what. They need to know that, no matter how shocking, surprising, or broken they are, you are committed to pursuing them, listening to them, and walking with them through the brokenness, as well as the beauty of their lives.

So, what hope do we as adults have to enter into the world of today’s adolescents and pursue their hearts in a loving way?

Pursuing an Adolescent’s Heart
Our hope as adults in listening for life with teens is rooted solely in Christ. We have to:

Recognize our own need for the Gospel.

Give ourselves the freedom to fail, as parents and as adolescents. I appreciated Jerram Barrs’ seminar today on the reality that there is no such thing as perfect parenting.

Give ourselves the freedom to give the gift of our own brokenness. When we fail as adults in relationsGgospel and the sufficiency of Christ’s sacrifice. Recognize that our identity is based solely in Christ. Our worth and Value as adults comes from Christ, not what our adolescents think or say about us.

Help adolescents know that they don’t have to fill the role of God when it comes who we are. Our willingness to take the time to listen to an adolescent will have a generational impact.

Conclusion
Today’s young people, especially adolescents, have a need for adults who are available, care, and come to them without a hidden or self-centered agenda. For adults to be able to enter into the hearts of adolescents, to “listen for life,” there needs to be a willingness to wrestle with those hidden and self-centered agendas. In effect, there must be a willingness on the part of the adult to wrestle with his or her own story and need for God’s grace.

“Being that I am not yet a father, I search out for other mens’ good example on being a dad.  I must admit that I do not yet have the time tested know-how of being a father, but I look forward to it as I await my daughter’s arrival in late September.  In my search for fatherly examples, I ran across one man’s journal on fatherhood.  It was good enough to write a blog about…”    -  Pastor Clay

Hear, O sons, a father’s instruction, and be attentive, that you may gain insight, for I give you good precepts; do not forsake my teaching.
Proverbs 4:1–2

The season of Father’s Day is a timely occasion for daddies to consider the great work God has entrusted to them in the instructing and correcting of their children. And there is arguably no better place from which to mine the wisdom necessary for these tasks than the book of Proverbs.

Instruction
Throughout Proverbs we see a wise and loving father continually teaching his children. His instruction is very practical and integrated into the teachable moments that invariably come up through the course of each day. Likewise, every wise daddy spends considerable time with his children like Jesus did with His disciples, making the most of every opportunity to teach about God the Father through the teachable moments He provides.

The wise father’s example in Proverbs also stands as a sharp rebuke to those fathers who rob the Scriptures of their joy by teaching in a cruel or overly regimented and legalistic manner. For example, one little girl I know lamented prayer and Bible study time with her daddy because it took so long and was so structured that she could see no value or fun in it. This sort of fatherly instruction is not merely a failure, it is a sin.

To be a good teacher, a daddy must use his imagination, particularly when his children are small. A wise dad makes up fun Bible questions for his kids to answer and buys props and secondhand clothes so that they can dress up in costumes and act out Bible stories with full drama while he serves as the narrator. A wise dad may realize that a personal quiet time where he hides away in a quiet place to read the Bible is unwise; instead, he embraces the noisy living room as an opportunity for the kids to see their dad with his Bible open as a form of modeling. Also, if dad frequently has his Bible open, his children will be more likely to ask him questions about God and life because they see that he possesses answers from God’s Word.

Regarding Proverbs, we are told that it was written “to give prudence to the simple, knowledge and discretion to the youth” (Proverbs 1:4). While fathers must avoid dumping too much on their children, they must also avoid expecting too little of them. As a new father some years ago, I was amazed to see my first two children begin praying on their own to Jesus at eighteen months of age. The first time my daughter prayed on her own was when I was lying in bed sick and she put her hand on me and prayed for my healing because she had seen her mother do the same thing. At the young age of two, my son Zachariah would bring me his kids’ Bible and ask me to read for extended periods of time, as his mind was fascinated with the images of war, kings, dragons, shepherd boys, and miracles. As I read to him about Goliath, Nebuchadnezzar, and Pharaoh, he kept asking questions about why they did not love God and we began discussing very significant theology together at the tender age of two.

Today, as the father of five children ages one to nine, I remain continually encouraged by how much my children are able to understand providing I take the time to teach it to them in a way they can understand. On this point, for example, 2 Timothy 3:15 mentions that Timothy had known the Scriptures from infancy.

Furthermore, a wise father follows the example of Proverbs and repeats himself often because children are prone to forgetfulness. To accomplish this, a father must not only instruct, he must also make sure that his kids do not mock him in disrespect (Proverbs 13:1). He must also make sure that they don’t stray from his teaching, but instead keep on the right path through an ongoing relationship with their dad (Proverbs 19:27; 23:19). Some men wrongly think that because they have taught something once to their children that it will stick forever. However, instruction is not a one-time event, but rather a lifetime endeavor in the context of a lovingly encouraging relationship. Practically, this explains why the same points are repeatedly stated throughout Proverbs.

Correction
In addition to instruction, a father must also discipline his child. Instruction comes first, and then comes discipline. Some men spank their kids and their kids don’t know why because their father failed to instruct and only disciplined them. This kind of pattern can be very confusing and is the means by which a daddy violates the command of Ephesians 6:4, which forbids dads from provoking their children to anger. Therefore, a father must first teach his children what they are to do and not to do, then teach them the consequences if they disobey, and then enforce his teaching so that they do not consider him a liar.

This is exactly how God our Father parents us. In Genesis, He commanded Adam, “Don’t eat from this tree or you will die.” God was very simple and very clear about the command and the consequence if it was disobeyed. Then, upon sinful disobedience, Adam experienced the promised consequence of his sin.

Through discipline, a wise father seeks to cultivate his children so that they can become self-disciplined as a disciple of Jesus and not continually need a wooden spoon or jail cell to keep them in line. Simply, the purpose of discipline is not to punish a child but to correct them so that they can live as self-disciplined disciples. Therefore, correction is not to be done in anger, violence, or retribution, but in loving and calm correction. The father who lashes out with words or hands of punishment is not practicing biblical correction, but rather violating one of the Ten Commandments in seed form with murder in his heart.

Proverbs 3:11–12 says, “My son, do not despise the Lord’s discipline or be weary of his reproof, for the Lord reproves him whom he loves, as a father the son in whom he delights.” The principle here is that only those people who lovingly delight in a child have earned the right to discipline them. Fathers who don’t delight in their children and love them while disciplining them are just being mean, angry, and violent. As Proverbs 13:24 says, “Whoever spares the rod hates his son, but he who loves him is diligent to discipline him.”

Once prepared with a heart of love for the child that leads to instruction and correction, a father must accept that correction is one of the ways in which a father demonstrates his love for his child. Proverbs 19:18 says, “Discipline your son, for there is hope; do not set your heart on putting him to death.” The issue is this: If you wait too long to discipline your children, they may die before they are corrected and then all hope is extinguished. There are innumerable tragic examples from the child who became drug addicted, alcohol dependant, sexually perverted, disease infected and the like that, according to Proverbs, should have been disciplined while there was more hope.

Some fathers wait too long to teach and correct their children and then try to fly in like a superhero at the last minute to save the day. Such fathers are often peppered with questions about why they have been negligent and why the child should listen to what they now demand since they have no loving relationship. On this point, Proverbs 29:17 tells fathers, “Discipline your son and he will give you rest; he will give delight to your heart.” This is what every daddy should desire. We are to instruct and correct our children so that we can have a peaceful and enjoyable relationship with them as we delight in who they are becoming by God’s grace.

Fathers must do their duties of instruction and correction without pushing the entire burden off on their wives. Because mom is home with the children teaching and disciplining each day, there is a propensity for dad to come home from work and refuse to discipline the children, either because he’s tired or because he instead tries to be the good and fun parent, thus painting mom as the bad and mean parent. Worse still, in some homes, mom will discipline the kids only to have dad overrule her and tell the kids to do whatever they want; he is thus training his children to dishonor and disobey their own mother. Such fathers wrongly think that they are loving their kids because their kids really like them as little more than a foolish peer. But their kids only like them in the same way an alcoholic likes a liquor store.

Conversely, a wise father gives his children what they need, which is not always what they want. What they need is a father who is willing to embrace his loving duties of biblical instruction and loving correction in harmony with his wife.

          Are you ready to go Back to School?

    

     Shout out to your school!  Where r u going?

     What classes are you taking?

     Do you have any classes with friends?

     What else…?

Religion has good people & bad people. Gospel has only repentant and unrepentant people.

Religion values a birth family. Gospel values a new birth.

Religion depends on what I do. Gospel depends on what Jesus has done.

Religion claims that sanctification justifies me. Gospel claims that justification enables sanctification.

Religion has the goal to get from God. Gospel has the goal to get God.

Religion sees hardships as punishment for sin. Gospel sees hardship as sanctified affliction.

Religion is about me. Gospel is about Jesus.

Religion believes appearing as a good person is the key. Gospel believes that being honest is the key.

Religion has an uncertainty of standing before God. Gospel has certainty based upon Jesus’ work.

Religion sees Jesus as the means. Gospel sees Jesus as the end.

Religion ends in pride or despair. Gospel ends in humble joy.

We arrived at Sky Harbor’s Terminal 2 about 15 minutes after 3am and the whole team was there.  It’s questionable as to their consciousness, but they were physically present.  Everyone got checked in over the course of 20 minutes and had a boarding pass in hand.  As tradition follows, the parents and other yahoos that show up at 3 am gathered around the team to pray.  Prayers full of hope and ambition filled the atmosphere of our huddle as we encouraged the team before sending them off.  The close of our prayer dispersed with hugs and smiles, parents and friends embracing each other one last time before departing.  The supporters gathered near the security check point to watch the youth travel down the terminal concourse toward their gate.  Dios le bendiga.

Following the morning’s launch of the Mission Team, we gathered for wednesday night service at LifeBlood.  On hand that night was Pastor Kenny, my mentor and coach for youth ministry.  He was there to preach a sermon that has echoed through the years past.  A sermon called the Spirit of Summer.  The Spirit of Summer parallels the lives of youth with Kind David in the Bible’s book of 2nd Samuel Chapter 11.  The question that came out of Pastor Kenny’s talk was “What are you going to do to better yourself and grow in your connection with God during the summer?”  King David ended up being lazy and there were some consequences to his laziness.  His moral failures and poor decisions that began with his laziness ended up costing 3 people’s lives and he almost lost his kingdom.  The talk that Pastor Kenny gave was at the heart level.  Everyone in the room heard the words and were compelled to action this summer.  Specifically, everyone was compelled to go to camp.  Youth camp takes place in northern arizona where we disengage from city life for 5 days and engage with God.  In the midst of engaging with God we have messy wars, lake trips, play paintball and have a good time.  If you haven’t signed up for camp yet, do it.  Do it now.  You won’t regret the friendships you make or the unforgetable connection with God that you experience.

To sign up for camp, click on the EVENTS tab and download your 2007 Student Release form.  Talk to your parents about going to camp, have them fill out your release form and pay for your tuition.  We’ll see you in Payson!

A few months after Amelia and I passed our one year anniversary, we made the call to have kids.  Amelia is 5 months pregnant this Saturday.  I’m going to be a Dad!  Like any big event, it takes a while for me to grasp the magnitude of the situation.  Honestly, I still don’t have this overwhelming insanity about me when it comes to being a Dad.  I’m waiting for it… we’re buying baby furniture, maternity clothes, baby clothes, saving money, reading books… but it still hasn’t hit home.  Patience is a virtue young grasshopper!  So I shall wait.

I shall wait for my excitement to unleash.  The thought of having a little girl really does drives me up a wall though.  She’s not even out yet and I know I’m going to bend to her every wish.  I’m helpless.  She’s going to be disciplined well, but spoiled like crazy at the same time.  I’m already thinking about princess dresses, Disneyland, Daddy-Daughter dates, reading & praying together and talking about how we can surprise mommy.  That is probably what I’m waiting for.  I’m waiting for her to grow up.  The truth is, I have no idea about how to handle an infant.  It’s like a limp blob that consumes all your time, energy, money and worries just to return a full diaper as payment.  It’s a bad business deal that’s for sure.  Deal or no deal… NO DEAL!  Close the glass box!  I say this with a grain of salt knowing that when she comes out, I’ll change all my ways.  I enjoy the meaningless soap box for now that allows me to vent my lack of knowledge and understanding.  It’s like confessing you’re an idiot and then proving it.  Good times.

On April 11th in LifeBlood we talked about a healthy process of going from single to married in our culture today.  Since “significant” relationships are on the forefront of many minds, it was our goal to present a healthy model of how to go about dating without putting yourself in the high odds of getting hurt.  Current stats and trends observed about dating literally prove that if you get involved with another person, you’re going to end up with a shattered heart and millions of little pieces to pick up.  Break-ups go sour when two people give themselves to the relationship.

At the end of the service, many students has honest questions about the topic of Marriage and Dating.  Their questions were written down on a 3×5 card and we collected them to formulate responses and answers to the questions.  It is our goal to post responses by this next Wednesday, April 25th.  The questions are written below…

Anonymous 

Why do guys love, want and only want 1 thing from a girl?

I am assuming that you are referring to sexual things.  Do guys want sex?  Yes.  Do girls want sex?  Yes.  Sex is a great thing!  Sex is an expression of unity between two individuals.  It is essentially a reenactment of two people’s marriage vows.  So sex is good.  Like any good thing, it can be degraded and abused.  It sounds like you are upset with the fact that you’ve observed guys pushing girls for sex.  A guy that is pushing for sex with a girl that he is not married to is not your night-in-shining armor.  He is not mature enough to recognize the value of sex, the value of the other person and is seeking to fulfill his hormonal drive.  He’s just horny and is looking to take what he wants.  Real mature guys don’t do that.  As the saying goes, lust takes and love gives.  It sounds like you want love and he wants lust.  1 Corinthians 7 has good information about relationships…

When you hurt after a break-up, why can’t your “ex” understand or try to understand how much it hurts?  Especially after a serious relationship where love was starting to come in the relationship? 

It’s tough to comment about an “ex” or relationship that I don’t know anything about, so I’ll be vague and general.  You said “love was starting to come in the relationship.”  Love should have been a part of the relationship way before you even thought about being with someone.  Friends have good love for one another.  I would suggest getting to know and love your friends and think about pursuing on of them when the both of you are mature enough to care for eachother.  Be careful with who you commit to and when you commit to them.  As you know, breakups hurt.  There are two blogs on the LifeBlood website I would suggest you read.  One is “Dudes, Chicks and Love” and the other is the “Sequel to Dudes, Chicks and Love.”

Anonymous 

Is God’s plan for everyone to get married? Or is it better for some people to stay single?

Is God’s plan for everyone to get married?  Good question.  I’m not God, so I don’t know.  God communicates with us through scripture so I refer you there.  1 Corinthians 7:1-9 has good information about that question.  In essence it says, if you want to have sex – Get Married.  If you can stay a virgin, it’s cool to be single if that’s what you want to do.  Being single allows you to be much more flexible with your life than a married person.  When I was single, I could go anywhere and do nearly anything I thought I should do.  Now that I’m married, I have secured commitments that keeps me from doing some things I would like to do.  So the 1^st question to answer is “Can I be a virgin forever?” and the 2^nd is “Do I want to be single?”

Miss Dear Abby 

Should you be treated differently if you’re not a virgin?

Well if you’re not a virgin… you’re not a virgin.  I’m assuming you are talking about being not married and a virgin, and that you’re talking about the way a guy treats you.  The answer is no, you should not be treated differently.  If you were in a relationship with a good guy, he would be just as forgiving towards you as God is.  See, Jesus’ crucifixion was so powerful that it gave him the ability to forgive sins.  All sin.  If you have asked for forgiveness truly with a repentant & sorrowful heart, then you are forgiven.  If the guy you are with gets that, then he would be just as gracious as God.

What if you believe that people of the same sex should be able to get married?  I know what the bible says but I guess I need more…

That’s a really big question right now isn’t it?  I guess it starts with your belief systems.  Why would you believe two people of the same sex should get married?  Why would you believe that two people of the opposite sex should get married?  I guess the real question is where you base your truth.  Do you find truth from philosophers, people you like, a supernatural being, government laws… It all depends on where you base your truth.  I think it’s best to start with a truth discovery by using the chain of command.  Who’s opinion is the most valid?  I recommend starting with God.  The first question is do you value God’s opinion?  2^nd – What is God’s opinion?  The best source to find God’s opinion is through the God’s inspired scriptures.  As a Christian, your best source is the Bible so I would figure out whether or not you really believe in the scriptures first.  If you can’t bank on that, the same-sex marriage question is secondary.Just to be observant, look at how humans are created.  Our anatomy can tell a little bit about our design.  I think the anatomy and reproductive processes shows a small natural evidence of our intended design.  It seems really simple, but it might be a helpful thought in your journey to discover your beliefs.

I personally believe in pro-choice… can you explain both sides of this?

There’s another big question of our time.  Should the choice to abort a child be permitted?  That’s a loaded question that goes far beyond a blog intended to chat about marriage and dating.  We could have a better dialogue if we could talk about that in another blog or conversation.  Maybe that’s worth talking about in LifeBlood.

I don’t mean to sound like Dear Abby, but my boyfriend has been charged with possession of drugs… I don’t think he’s a bad person, because he has changed.  I want to bring him to church and he jokes about how he’ll burn when he walks in the doors.  I’m not willing to break-up with him because he’s not a Christian.

I think this has a lot to do with the same-sex marriage question above.  Discovering your beliefs about God’s opinion and the truth and value of scripture would be a good place to start.  For a biblical response to your statement, it is recommended that two people be equally yoked.  “Equally yoked” is a farmer’s term for plowing a field.  Two oxen would be yoked together (harnessed) so they could pull the plow as one strong unit.  I’m sure you’ve heard that what two can pull well over twice the amount as one.  Being equally yoked was important so the farmer could get the most power out of the oxen.  That same example is used for two people in a relationship.  The two should have the same views and beliefs in the “major” things of life.  It sounds like you’re at a crossroad of life in your decision to date this person.  Will you trust God and respond to His recommendation?  By no means am I making a judgment on the young man, but life’s decisions are meant to be based upon principle.  What are your principles?  I recommend reading both of the “Dudes, Chicks & Love” blogs to learn more about healthy relationships.  I welcome your questions & thoughts.

What if you and your boyfriend are having sex and you’re not willing to give that up?

It makes me sad that you’ve chosen to give such a valuable part of yourself to someone who has not committed to loving you for a lifetime.  Have you considered the consequences of having sex with someone?  Pregnancy, STDs, hurt from breakup, etc?  Also, are you a Christian?  If you are not, then I have little moral response for you.  If you are, I would offer you biblical recommendations.  I would encourage you to obedience rather than rebellion.  Sex is biblically for marriage and not for singles.  Marriage is for men & women.  There are many other questions I have and I’m sure you have as well.  I welcome a good conversation.  Please email or myspace me.

Why should you date people for marriage if you don’t want to get married?

I wouldn’t recommend dating.  I would consider asking yourself “What is the purpose for me when I date people?”  If it is for a good time and to hang out, then that sounds like a friendship to me.  Friends hang out and enjoy each other.  If you are trying to be intimate with someone, once again I refer you to scripture.  It is not recommended to be intimate with someone in a relational commitment without being married.  Sealing your commitment with a covenant or promise.  Have you decided your opinion on the scriptures?  Have you surrendered your will & life to God?  That is a good place to start.  From there, I would recommend obedience to God.  A biblical description of sexual interaction outside of marriage is called fornication.  Fornication is spoken of as a sin and an undesirable thing in the Bible.  We can talk more if you like.

If God can forgive your sins, then why is it important to ask for forgiveness when you know you’ll do it again? 

You shouldn’t ask for forgiveness if you know that you will willingly do it again.  Asking for forgiveness according to the Bible is called repentance.  Repentance means to turn around 180 degrees and to never do something again.  There is a chance that you may mistakenly do it again, and that is an accident.  Repent again.  If you know you will do it again, I wouldn’t ask for forgiveness.  If you think your action is wrong but you are addicted to that action, I would ask God for help.  Ask a trustworthy person for help.  Having someone to help you through an addiction is such a great help.  You will be able to follow thru with your repentance if you are sincere and seek out accountability.

Anonymous

Is masturbation wrong?

Masturbation is a sexual action right?  Matthew 5:27 is an incident where Jesus talks about committing adultery.  He goes as far as to say that thinking about another woman is adultery.  It seems that thinking about another person sexually is not God’s best recommendations.  During masturbation, a person often fantasizes about another person.  I would think that masturbation gets wrapped up in the junk drawer of “sexual immorality.”  The second question, possibly more important than the first, is how do I stop?  Sexual things are addicting.  They are good and natural in marriage.  If you’re not married, I would consider stopping.  It’s a lot easier said than done.  I would connect with someone who you can be honest with and would help you.  Also, there are some awesome books out there that have more information from a biblical standpoint about masturbation.  “Every young man’s battle” is one of them. 

Is it bad to kiss someone of the same sex?

I kiss my grampa all the time.  I hope not! 

I think what you’re referring to is a passionate kiss.  Check out the same-sex marriage question above and read Romans chapter 1.  Let me know if you have anymore questions.

Can you kiss random people without dating them? 

I wouldn’t recommend kissing people without having a mature commitment.

Anonymous 

Is it really bad to be a bi-sexual?

You should look to scripture for your answers.  I would read Roman chapter 1.  Sex outside of marriage is not thought of well according to scripture and you can’t marry someone of the same sex, so that would be a quick answer to your question. 

How do you know if you love someone? 

That’s a great question.  There’s no equation to answer that.  It requires testing and time.  What is your definition of love?  I would write it down.  Then, you should read 1 Corinthians 13 in the Bible.  It is a great place to find some definitions about love.  Do yours agree with scripture?Love is not a feeling.  Love can produce feelings, but of itself love cannot be defined by a feeling.  “In love” is a commitment.  A fact!  If it is defined by feeling, then it is as good as your emotions (which change daily).  Love is observed best by someone’s actions.  Do they do what is best for you, for them, even when they don’t feel like doing it?  That’s a good test to see if someone is acting in a loving way.

Why does love hurt when the other person you love does not love you?

I think you should ask God.  He gets treated like that all the time.  Love is a commitment, so being committed to someone when they are not committed to you probably feels a lot like adultery.  It feels like they are cheating on you.  It is important to guard yourself from loving a person who does not love you.  You can love them in general, but loving them personally can cause hurt.  Sometimes love will cause hurt.  That’s why knowing God personally is so important.  He can heal you of the hurt caused by love.

Anonymous 

Why do Emo boys kiss other Emo boys?

I don’t know.  Maybe because they’re confused…

Farewell Zane & Angel.  I enjoyed the priviledge of the mixing lives.  Do your thang and always keep juice in the fridge. 

- Clay

The bible doesn’t say much about “dating.”  So if you’ve looked to the bible for advice on dating, you’re probably as lost as I was.  As I’ve gotten older and now married, looking into the past is a nice point of view.  I can see the solutions to the questions that plagued my mind, and rights way to do the things I did wrong.  For those of you who do not share my luxery of looking back into single days, I would like to offer some words of hope to you.  To those of you who one day would like to be married, I think there’s actually a reasonable response to dating.  By no means is the suggestion I offer perfect or exact, but it’s a good outline that helps eliminate some of the potential hurts caused by an ending relationship.  Love is never a safe route to travel because by nature, it requires that two people become vulnerable and exposed.  That opens the doors to getting hurt.  At the same time, there are dating situations that are better at avoiding hurt.  If you’re interested, read the brief written below with a studious mind.  It’s my hope and concern that you would experience the goodness of a loving relationship and avoid undue hurt.

Brief on Courtship:

 Parties involved in a Courtship:           

* Unmarried Man (marriage is for men, not boys) 

* Unmarried Woman (marriage is for women, not girls)           

*  Close Men that love the Woman (Father, Brothers, Uncles, Best Friend, etc) They eliminate the unworthy guys.

Stages from Singleness to Marriage:

1. Friendship

2. Intentionality

3. Courting (practically engaged)

4. Engagement

5. Marriage 

Reasoning for Courtship:           

   Courtship is a response to the question, “How do I go from single to married?”  Courtship is very different from a “traditional” dating stance.  The purpose and intention of courtship is much more defined and specific.  There is a higher level of communication and commitment going into a courting relationship.  A dating relationship can begin soon after two people meet, but courtship has a period of friendship prior to committing to a more intimate relationship.  The reason courtship has an extended friendship period is that it allows two people to get to know each other in a safer setting before making a deeper commitment.  Those things that must be discovered about the other person (likes, dislikes, values, beliefs, etc) are found out through friendship.  And let’s face it, who wants to miss out on a good friendship?  If there is an intimate relationship before two people know each other, they begin to connect in intimate ways before the really know each other.  In a courtship, there is a safeguard from deeper hurts caused by premature intimacy.  If a relational “deal breaker” is identified during the friendship stage of courtship (where there’s no commitment), the dissatisfied person can silently withdraw his/her interest in the other person without experiencing a deeper hurt (i.e.:  hurts caused from breakup, public embarrassment, broken trust, etc).  There is usually an intensified hurt and baggage that comes through a breakup situation.  The sad thing is that most of those breakups could have been avoided.   

Once a longer period of friendship (6+ months) has proven its benefit by two people getting to know each other, a move to higher commitment can be made.  Typically, a man should do the pursuing and make the move at the proper time.  The reason for male pursuit is simply because if a man really wants to be with a woman, he would have the where-with-all to say something.  And ladies, if he doesn’t feel the same way about you as you do about him, you probably don’t want to be with him.  If he doesn’t love you enough to do something as simple as open his mouth to ask, he won’t love you the way you want him to in other areas either. 

After the friendship stage is the “intentional stage.”  The intentional stage is a small step between friendship and deeper commitment.  During this time frame (a few short weeks), interest has been agreed upon between two people.  At this point, there is a possible interest in marriage and the two agree to have a safe period (intentional stage) to discover just a little bit more about the other before making a deeper commitment.  The two go on a few dates together and spend some alone time.  To clarify alone time, alone time is not spent behind closed doors.  It is important to always maintain a pure status that exists both physically between the two people and impressionably in the minds of those around them.  During the intentional stage, one-on-one time proves to be useful to see if you enjoy spending time together and to discover the other person a little bit more.  This stage is when you catch that “spark.”  The two people will either simply enjoy one another and enjoy their friendship, or they will catch “the spark”.  Some people have been known to catch a spark before this time, but if it is not caught at this time I would keep the relationship a friendship. 

After a few months of being “intentional”, the relationship is moved on to a full blown courtship.  This is not an official engagement.  The courting stage proves that two people have passed the test of friendship, mild dating and the two individuals now agree to have a deeper commitment to one another.  Boundaries are still necessary, but the two are seen as a committed couple pursuing marriage.  This is a preparation stage that allows the two people to get to know one another even more and allows them to prepare their lives for marriage.  Some things that the man needs to take consideration of during this time is how he will provide for the family.  He starts thinking about the future and how he will provide a home, transportation, food and other needs.  Not that he is suddenly a family man, but these things are thought of by a man who wants a wife.  The two do not avoid intimate conversations about family, hopes and dreams during courtship.  This is a preparation stage for marriage.  In due timing, the man makes the moves toward engagement.  Marriage is not something to postpone for a long period at this stage.  The sooner the better! 

The next stage of courtship is engagement.  This stage is an intense period to prepare for marriage.  This is the last chance you have to prepare to be a family.  If there is an extreme deal breaker during this stage, it is not to be avoided.  It is better to go through the pain of a breakup now that to get married and be laced into a life-long commitment.  Engagement is still a stage filled with purity, even though marriage is soon coming.  

After engagement, you get married!  Talk to me when you get close to the big day.  There’s a whole lot more goodness in marriage than you can possibly hope for or imagine.  Don’t be discouraged or alarmed by the current discord that exists in marriages.  If you approach marriage with good values and wise counsel, it makes the journey possible.  See, God knew marriage would be tough.  Like I said, when you put two people who sin under the same roof, there’s going to be some hiccups.  It all depends on how you handle those hiccups as to whether or not you’ll be happily married.  It’s totally possible… I’m living it! 

(if you haven’t… I recommend reading the blog on Dudes, Chicks & Love.  This may make more sense)

I sit here checking my email after having just gone to a great marriage ceremony.  I am having a series of thoughts about human relationships.  Going to a wedding always makes me think about a marriage union and its value.  I have a high view of marriage.  I hold high the utopian standard for wedlock.  The best marriage situation possible.  A man and woman meeting each other as friends, catching each others eye and moving forward into a great relationship with one another.  At least that’s what I think two people should shoot for.  Sometimes things work and sometimes they don’t.  Hopefully they protect each other and move forward with wisdom if things are not going as intended.  Not every couple are compatible, so discovering that sooner than later is a good thing.

Once marriage happens and a never-ending bond is sealed, the journey begins.  A journey of joy and of suffering.  There are times of immense happiness and also struggles that challenge the character of the team.  Placing two imperfect people in the same house for long enough will cause a schism at some point.  If you don’t believe that, I am guessing you are not married.  When a disagreement, a fight, or something else goes down, the team is tested.  During these tests, hopefully selfishness is burnt away and love grows.  It takes a strong person to be responsible and loving when they don’t “feel” like it.  No you can’t storm off as if you were in a network tv, no you can’t hit each other and no you can’t pull back and play the silent game forever.  Marriage will mature an individual if the person chooses to love.  Marriage is a great professor of humility.  During these lessons of humility, one realizes love is not always a happy feeling.  Not to dismiss the fact that happy feelings are attached to many wonderful moments, but love really comes through when you don’t “feel” like it.  Love is a choice.  You can act lovingly or you can not.  Acting in a kind way, caring anyway and forgiving when you think you were right are all great ways of showing love.  Yes, fogiving and loving even when the other person is wrong.  It’s not easy all the time.  If a person is struggling with acting in these ways, there is an obvious issue of pride.  Pride is willing to defend itself at all costs, even when it means harming the relationship.  In essence, pride would say “my position is more valuable than our relationship.  I will die on this hill, even at the expense of you.”  It’s and unfortunate stance to hold when you promised not to by responding with ”I do.”

For the boys… treat the ladies well.  They are all precious daughters of God most high.  It does not matter how they act or what they do, you should treat them well as if they were very special… because they are.  Chicks are often looked over, stepped on, abused and mistreated and that is not God’s intention or design.  Let’s restore what we can.  Young men, you have the ability to change things.  God has wired you to be agents of change.  It’s in your genetics from birth.  You have the ability to enter into a situation and uphold the truth and fight off offense meant for harm.  If someone speaks ill of a lady, speak the truth and shut it down.  Do not allow for gossip and do not allow for foolish acts.  Funny is a line that is often stumbled over, landing in foolishness and wrong.  Protect the ladies around you by holding a standard far greater than the present example given you.  You have it in you men.

For the ladies… respect and encourage the young men.  Treat them as they would be princes and protectors.  They will not always act as they have been designed to act, but the design is still inside them.  It is bursting at every seam to get out.  It shows up in poor form due to lack of guidance and encouragement.  Encourage the best from the young men.  Call them out in loving ways by speaking well of their great design.  Tell them that they are made to be leaders and protectors of their environment.  That their character and action is supposed to be that of Godly men.  Mighty men of God.  Able to care for their community, protect what is right and to passionately love their family with their word and deed.  They desperately need the words of encouragement that compel them into their design.

This is the husband, father and friend that I am trying to become.  A leader that will love my wife and family, care for my community and benefit the city where I live.  Some dragons have been slain and some are yet to be slain.  Love compels a good fight.  The love from my savior, the love for my family and the love for my friends.  Love will change a man.  What does a man desire but unfailing love?