To the Fathers… love your children
AN EXERPT FROM A 36Â YEAR-OLD MAN ON BEING A FATHERÂ
“Being that I am not yet a father, I search out for other mens’ good example on being a dad. I must admit that I do not yet have the time tested know-how of being a father, but I look forward to it as I await my daughter’s arrival in late September. In my search for fatherly examples, I ran across one man’s journal on fatherhood. It was good enough to write a blog about…”   - Pastor Clay
Hear, O sons, a father’s instruction, and be attentive, that you may gain insight, for I give you good precepts; do not forsake my teaching.
Proverbs 4:1–2
The season of Father’s Day is a timely occasion for daddies to consider the great work God has entrusted to them in the instructing and correcting of their children. And there is arguably no better place from which to mine the wisdom necessary for these tasks than the book of Proverbs.
Instruction
Throughout Proverbs we see a wise and loving father continually teaching his children. His instruction is very practical and integrated into the teachable moments that invariably come up through the course of each day. Likewise, every wise daddy spends considerable time with his children like Jesus did with His disciples, making the most of every opportunity to teach about God the Father through the teachable moments He provides.
The wise father’s example in Proverbs also stands as a sharp rebuke to those fathers who rob the Scriptures of their joy by teaching in a cruel or overly regimented and legalistic manner. For example, one little girl I know lamented prayer and Bible study time with her daddy because it took so long and was so structured that she could see no value or fun in it. This sort of fatherly instruction is not merely a failure, it is a sin.
To be a good teacher, a daddy must use his imagination, particularly when his children are small. A wise dad makes up fun Bible questions for his kids to answer and buys props and secondhand clothes so that they can dress up in costumes and act out Bible stories with full drama while he serves as the narrator. A wise dad may realize that a personal quiet time where he hides away in a quiet place to read the Bible is unwise; instead, he embraces the noisy living room as an opportunity for the kids to see their dad with his Bible open as a form of modeling. Also, if dad frequently has his Bible open, his children will be more likely to ask him questions about God and life because they see that he possesses answers from God’s Word.
Regarding Proverbs, we are told that it was written “to give prudence to the simple, knowledge and discretion to the youth” (Proverbs 1:4). While fathers must avoid dumping too much on their children, they must also avoid expecting too little of them. As a new father some years ago, I was amazed to see my first two children begin praying on their own to Jesus at eighteen months of age. The first time my daughter prayed on her own was when I was lying in bed sick and she put her hand on me and prayed for my healing because she had seen her mother do the same thing. At the young age of two, my son Zachariah would bring me his kids’ Bible and ask me to read for extended periods of time, as his mind was fascinated with the images of war, kings, dragons, shepherd boys, and miracles. As I read to him about Goliath, Nebuchadnezzar, and Pharaoh, he kept asking questions about why they did not love God and we began discussing very significant theology together at the tender age of two.
Today, as the father of five children ages one to nine, I remain continually encouraged by how much my children are able to understand providing I take the time to teach it to them in a way they can understand. On this point, for example, 2 Timothy 3:15 mentions that Timothy had known the Scriptures from infancy.
Furthermore, a wise father follows the example of Proverbs and repeats himself often because children are prone to forgetfulness. To accomplish this, a father must not only instruct, he must also make sure that his kids do not mock him in disrespect (Proverbs 13:1). He must also make sure that they don’t stray from his teaching, but instead keep on the right path through an ongoing relationship with their dad (Proverbs 19:27; 23:19). Some men wrongly think that because they have taught something once to their children that it will stick forever. However, instruction is not a one-time event, but rather a lifetime endeavor in the context of a lovingly encouraging relationship. Practically, this explains why the same points are repeatedly stated throughout Proverbs.
Correction
In addition to instruction, a father must also discipline his child. Instruction comes first, and then comes discipline. Some men spank their kids and their kids don’t know why because their father failed to instruct and only disciplined them. This kind of pattern can be very confusing and is the means by which a daddy violates the command of Ephesians 6:4, which forbids dads from provoking their children to anger. Therefore, a father must first teach his children what they are to do and not to do, then teach them the consequences if they disobey, and then enforce his teaching so that they do not consider him a liar.
This is exactly how God our Father parents us. In Genesis, He commanded Adam, “Don’t eat from this tree or you will die.” God was very simple and very clear about the command and the consequence if it was disobeyed. Then, upon sinful disobedience, Adam experienced the promised consequence of his sin.
Through discipline, a wise father seeks to cultivate his children so that they can become self-disciplined as a disciple of Jesus and not continually need a wooden spoon or jail cell to keep them in line. Simply, the purpose of discipline is not to punish a child but to correct them so that they can live as self-disciplined disciples. Therefore, correction is not to be done in anger, violence, or retribution, but in loving and calm correction. The father who lashes out with words or hands of punishment is not practicing biblical correction, but rather violating one of the Ten Commandments in seed form with murder in his heart.
Proverbs 3:11–12 says, “My son, do not despise the Lord’s discipline or be weary of his reproof, for the Lord reproves him whom he loves, as a father the son in whom he delights.” The principle here is that only those people who lovingly delight in a child have earned the right to discipline them. Fathers who don’t delight in their children and love them while disciplining them are just being mean, angry, and violent. As Proverbs 13:24 says, “Whoever spares the rod hates his son, but he who loves him is diligent to discipline him.”
Once prepared with a heart of love for the child that leads to instruction and correction, a father must accept that correction is one of the ways in which a father demonstrates his love for his child. Proverbs 19:18 says, “Discipline your son, for there is hope; do not set your heart on putting him to death.” The issue is this: If you wait too long to discipline your children, they may die before they are corrected and then all hope is extinguished. There are innumerable tragic examples from the child who became drug addicted, alcohol dependant, sexually perverted, disease infected and the like that, according to Proverbs, should have been disciplined while there was more hope.
Some fathers wait too long to teach and correct their children and then try to fly in like a superhero at the last minute to save the day. Such fathers are often peppered with questions about why they have been negligent and why the child should listen to what they now demand since they have no loving relationship. On this point, Proverbs 29:17 tells fathers, “Discipline your son and he will give you rest; he will give delight to your heart.” This is what every daddy should desire. We are to instruct and correct our children so that we can have a peaceful and enjoyable relationship with them as we delight in who they are becoming by God’s grace.
Fathers must do their duties of instruction and correction without pushing the entire burden off on their wives. Because mom is home with the children teaching and disciplining each day, there is a propensity for dad to come home from work and refuse to discipline the children, either because he’s tired or because he instead tries to be the good and fun parent, thus painting mom as the bad and mean parent. Worse still, in some homes, mom will discipline the kids only to have dad overrule her and tell the kids to do whatever they want; he is thus training his children to dishonor and disobey their own mother. Such fathers wrongly think that they are loving their kids because their kids really like them as little more than a foolish peer. But their kids only like them in the same way an alcoholic likes a liquor store.
Conversely, a wise father gives his children what they need, which is not always what they want. What they need is a father who is willing to embrace his loving duties of biblical instruction and loving correction in harmony with his wife.