Dating is such a huge buzz-topic!  It’s not just a conversation piece, it’s a huge part of a single person’s life in our current culture.  Observations would tell us that if a person is not already hooked up with a significant other, they’re on the prowl. 

On April 11th in LifeBlood we talked about a healthy process of going from single to married in our culture today.  Since “significant” relationships are on the forefront of many minds, it was our goal to present a healthy model of how to go about dating without putting yourself in the high odds of getting hurt.  Current stats and trends observed about dating literally prove that if you get involved with another person, you’re going to end up with a shattered heart and millions of little pieces to pick up.  Break-ups go sour when two people give themselves to the relationship.

At the end of the service, many students has honest questions about the topic of Marriage and Dating.  Their questions were written down on a 3×5 card and we collected them to formulate responses and answers to the questions.  It is our goal to post responses by this next Wednesday, April 25th.  The questions are written below…

Anonymous 

Why do guys love, want and only want 1 thing from a girl?

I am assuming that you are referring to sexual things.  Do guys want sex?  Yes.  Do girls want sex?  Yes.  Sex is a great thing!  Sex is an expression of unity between two individuals.  It is essentially a reenactment of two people’s marriage vows.  So sex is good.  Like any good thing, it can be degraded and abused.  It sounds like you are upset with the fact that you’ve observed guys pushing girls for sex.  A guy that is pushing for sex with a girl that he is not married to is not your night-in-shining armor.  He is not mature enough to recognize the value of sex, the value of the other person and is seeking to fulfill his hormonal drive.  He’s just horny and is looking to take what he wants.  Real mature guys don’t do that.  As the saying goes, lust takes and love gives.  It sounds like you want love and he wants lust.  1 Corinthians 7 has good information about relationships…

When you hurt after a break-up, why can’t your “ex” understand or try to understand how much it hurts?  Especially after a serious relationship where love was starting to come in the relationship? 

It’s tough to comment about an “ex” or relationship that I don’t know anything about, so I’ll be vague and general.  You said “love was starting to come in the relationship.”  Love should have been a part of the relationship way before you even thought about being with someone.  Friends have good love for one another.  I would suggest getting to know and love your friends and think about pursuing on of them when the both of you are mature enough to care for eachother.  Be careful with who you commit to and when you commit to them.  As you know, breakups hurt.  There are two blogs on the LifeBlood website I would suggest you read.  One is “Dudes, Chicks and Love” and the other is the “Sequel to Dudes, Chicks and Love.”

Anonymous 

Is God’s plan for everyone to get married? Or is it better for some people to stay single?

Is God’s plan for everyone to get married?  Good question.  I’m not God, so I don’t know.  God communicates with us through scripture so I refer you there.  1 Corinthians 7:1-9 has good information about that question.  In essence it says, if you want to have sex – Get Married.  If you can stay a virgin, it’s cool to be single if that’s what you want to do.  Being single allows you to be much more flexible with your life than a married person.  When I was single, I could go anywhere and do nearly anything I thought I should do.  Now that I’m married, I have secured commitments that keeps me from doing some things I would like to do.  So the 1^st question to answer is “Can I be a virgin forever?” and the 2^nd is “Do I want to be single?”

Miss Dear Abby 

Should you be treated differently if you’re not a virgin?

Well if you’re not a virgin… you’re not a virgin.  I’m assuming you are talking about being not married and a virgin, and that you’re talking about the way a guy treats you.  The answer is no, you should not be treated differently.  If you were in a relationship with a good guy, he would be just as forgiving towards you as God is.  See, Jesus’ crucifixion was so powerful that it gave him the ability to forgive sins.  All sin.  If you have asked for forgiveness truly with a repentant & sorrowful heart, then you are forgiven.  If the guy you are with gets that, then he would be just as gracious as God.

What if you believe that people of the same sex should be able to get married?  I know what the bible says but I guess I need more…

That’s a really big question right now isn’t it?  I guess it starts with your belief systems.  Why would you believe two people of the same sex should get married?  Why would you believe that two people of the opposite sex should get married?  I guess the real question is where you base your truth.  Do you find truth from philosophers, people you like, a supernatural being, government laws… It all depends on where you base your truth.  I think it’s best to start with a truth discovery by using the chain of command.  Who’s opinion is the most valid?  I recommend starting with God.  The first question is do you value God’s opinion?  2^nd – What is God’s opinion?  The best source to find God’s opinion is through the God’s inspired scriptures.  As a Christian, your best source is the Bible so I would figure out whether or not you really believe in the scriptures first.  If you can’t bank on that, the same-sex marriage question is secondary.Just to be observant, look at how humans are created.  Our anatomy can tell a little bit about our design.  I think the anatomy and reproductive processes shows a small natural evidence of our intended design.  It seems really simple, but it might be a helpful thought in your journey to discover your beliefs.

I personally believe in pro-choice… can you explain both sides of this?

There’s another big question of our time.  Should the choice to abort a child be permitted?  That’s a loaded question that goes far beyond a blog intended to chat about marriage and dating.  We could have a better dialogue if we could talk about that in another blog or conversation.  Maybe that’s worth talking about in LifeBlood.

I don’t mean to sound like Dear Abby, but my boyfriend has been charged with possession of drugs… I don’t think he’s a bad person, because he has changed.  I want to bring him to church and he jokes about how he’ll burn when he walks in the doors.  I’m not willing to break-up with him because he’s not a Christian.

I think this has a lot to do with the same-sex marriage question above.  Discovering your beliefs about God’s opinion and the truth and value of scripture would be a good place to start.  For a biblical response to your statement, it is recommended that two people be equally yoked.  “Equally yoked” is a farmer’s term for plowing a field.  Two oxen would be yoked together (harnessed) so they could pull the plow as one strong unit.  I’m sure you’ve heard that what two can pull well over twice the amount as one.  Being equally yoked was important so the farmer could get the most power out of the oxen.  That same example is used for two people in a relationship.  The two should have the same views and beliefs in the “major” things of life.  It sounds like you’re at a crossroad of life in your decision to date this person.  Will you trust God and respond to His recommendation?  By no means am I making a judgment on the young man, but life’s decisions are meant to be based upon principle.  What are your principles?  I recommend reading both of the “Dudes, Chicks & Love” blogs to learn more about healthy relationships.  I welcome your questions & thoughts.

What if you and your boyfriend are having sex and you’re not willing to give that up?

It makes me sad that you’ve chosen to give such a valuable part of yourself to someone who has not committed to loving you for a lifetime.  Have you considered the consequences of having sex with someone?  Pregnancy, STDs, hurt from breakup, etc?  Also, are you a Christian?  If you are not, then I have little moral response for you.  If you are, I would offer you biblical recommendations.  I would encourage you to obedience rather than rebellion.  Sex is biblically for marriage and not for singles.  Marriage is for men & women.  There are many other questions I have and I’m sure you have as well.  I welcome a good conversation.  Please email or myspace me.

Why should you date people for marriage if you don’t want to get married?

I wouldn’t recommend dating.  I would consider asking yourself “What is the purpose for me when I date people?”  If it is for a good time and to hang out, then that sounds like a friendship to me.  Friends hang out and enjoy each other.  If you are trying to be intimate with someone, once again I refer you to scripture.  It is not recommended to be intimate with someone in a relational commitment without being married.  Sealing your commitment with a covenant or promise.  Have you decided your opinion on the scriptures?  Have you surrendered your will & life to God?  That is a good place to start.  From there, I would recommend obedience to God.  A biblical description of sexual interaction outside of marriage is called fornication.  Fornication is spoken of as a sin and an undesirable thing in the Bible.  We can talk more if you like.

If God can forgive your sins, then why is it important to ask for forgiveness when you know you’ll do it again? 

You shouldn’t ask for forgiveness if you know that you will willingly do it again.  Asking for forgiveness according to the Bible is called repentance.  Repentance means to turn around 180 degrees and to never do something again.  There is a chance that you may mistakenly do it again, and that is an accident.  Repent again.  If you know you will do it again, I wouldn’t ask for forgiveness.  If you think your action is wrong but you are addicted to that action, I would ask God for help.  Ask a trustworthy person for help.  Having someone to help you through an addiction is such a great help.  You will be able to follow thru with your repentance if you are sincere and seek out accountability.

Anonymous

Is masturbation wrong?

Masturbation is a sexual action right?  Matthew 5:27 is an incident where Jesus talks about committing adultery.  He goes as far as to say that thinking about another woman is adultery.  It seems that thinking about another person sexually is not God’s best recommendations.  During masturbation, a person often fantasizes about another person.  I would think that masturbation gets wrapped up in the junk drawer of “sexual immorality.”  The second question, possibly more important than the first, is how do I stop?  Sexual things are addicting.  They are good and natural in marriage.  If you’re not married, I would consider stopping.  It’s a lot easier said than done.  I would connect with someone who you can be honest with and would help you.  Also, there are some awesome books out there that have more information from a biblical standpoint about masturbation.  “Every young man’s battle” is one of them. 

Is it bad to kiss someone of the same sex?

I kiss my grampa all the time.  I hope not! 

I think what you’re referring to is a passionate kiss.  Check out the same-sex marriage question above and read Romans chapter 1.  Let me know if you have anymore questions.

Can you kiss random people without dating them? 

I wouldn’t recommend kissing people without having a mature commitment.

Anonymous 

Is it really bad to be a bi-sexual?

You should look to scripture for your answers.  I would read Roman chapter 1.  Sex outside of marriage is not thought of well according to scripture and you can’t marry someone of the same sex, so that would be a quick answer to your question. 

How do you know if you love someone? 

That’s a great question.  There’s no equation to answer that.  It requires testing and time.  What is your definition of love?  I would write it down.  Then, you should read 1 Corinthians 13 in the Bible.  It is a great place to find some definitions about love.  Do yours agree with scripture?Love is not a feeling.  Love can produce feelings, but of itself love cannot be defined by a feeling.  “In love” is a commitment.  A fact!  If it is defined by feeling, then it is as good as your emotions (which change daily).  Love is observed best by someone’s actions.  Do they do what is best for you, for them, even when they don’t feel like doing it?  That’s a good test to see if someone is acting in a loving way.

Why does love hurt when the other person you love does not love you?

I think you should ask God.  He gets treated like that all the time.  Love is a commitment, so being committed to someone when they are not committed to you probably feels a lot like adultery.  It feels like they are cheating on you.  It is important to guard yourself from loving a person who does not love you.  You can love them in general, but loving them personally can cause hurt.  Sometimes love will cause hurt.  That’s why knowing God personally is so important.  He can heal you of the hurt caused by love.

Anonymous 

Why do Emo boys kiss other Emo boys?

I don’t know.  Maybe because they’re confused…

Tonight marks the beginning of a new season in life.  Many small markers that represent the turning of a new leaf have filled my days as of late.  The past two years have led my path through marriage, graduation, pregnancy, ordination and the loss of two precious family members.  Tonight marks the departure of a best friend.  One of the best men I have met in my journeys to date.  One I wish our paths would cross again someday.  My consolation is our rendezvous at the gates.  The terms of his departure are laced with trumpets and triumph, so I do not cower.  I celebrate and send like a brother and friend would.  It’s a good day for young aspiring men!  A brother’s launch!  The days of a young man look to adventure, travel and romance, and today’s engagements are filled with the like.  It is a good day.  So with that, I offer my friend a term of strength.  “Good journey.”  A good journey that requires a man to live strong, to fight to the death on the hills that matter most, to love his wife and family with passion and to never quit.  In the words of Mr. Keating, “Carpe Diem.  Seize the Day!” 

Farewell Zane & Angel.  I enjoyed the priviledge of the mixing lives.  Do your thang and always keep juice in the fridge. 

- Clay