A Brief on Courtship                     by Clayton Thompson 

The bible doesn’t say much about “dating.”  So if you’ve looked to the bible for advice on dating, you’re probably as lost as I was.  As I’ve gotten older and now married, looking into the past is a nice point of view.  I can see the solutions to the questions that plagued my mind, and rights way to do the things I did wrong.  For those of you who do not share my luxery of looking back into single days, I would like to offer some words of hope to you.  To those of you who one day would like to be married, I think there’s actually a reasonable response to dating.  By no means is the suggestion I offer perfect or exact, but it’s a good outline that helps eliminate some of the potential hurts caused by an ending relationship.  Love is never a safe route to travel because by nature, it requires that two people become vulnerable and exposed.  That opens the doors to getting hurt.  At the same time, there are dating situations that are better at avoiding hurt.  If you’re interested, read the brief written below with a studious mind.  It’s my hope and concern that you would experience the goodness of a loving relationship and avoid undue hurt.

Brief on Courtship:

 Parties involved in a Courtship:           

* Unmarried Man (marriage is for men, not boys) 

* Unmarried Woman (marriage is for women, not girls)           

*  Close Men that love the Woman (Father, Brothers, Uncles, Best Friend, etc) They eliminate the unworthy guys.

Stages from Singleness to Marriage:

1. Friendship

2. Intentionality

3. Courting (practically engaged)

4. Engagement

5. Marriage 

Reasoning for Courtship:           

   Courtship is a response to the question, “How do I go from single to married?”  Courtship is very different from a “traditional” dating stance.  The purpose and intention of courtship is much more defined and specific.  There is a higher level of communication and commitment going into a courting relationship.  A dating relationship can begin soon after two people meet, but courtship has a period of friendship prior to committing to a more intimate relationship.  The reason courtship has an extended friendship period is that it allows two people to get to know each other in a safer setting before making a deeper commitment.  Those things that must be discovered about the other person (likes, dislikes, values, beliefs, etc) are found out through friendship.  And let’s face it, who wants to miss out on a good friendship?  If there is an intimate relationship before two people know each other, they begin to connect in intimate ways before the really know each other.  In a courtship, there is a safeguard from deeper hurts caused by premature intimacy.  If a relational “deal breaker” is identified during the friendship stage of courtship (where there’s no commitment), the dissatisfied person can silently withdraw his/her interest in the other person without experiencing a deeper hurt (i.e.:  hurts caused from breakup, public embarrassment, broken trust, etc).  There is usually an intensified hurt and baggage that comes through a breakup situation.  The sad thing is that most of those breakups could have been avoided.   

Once a longer period of friendship (6+ months) has proven its benefit by two people getting to know each other, a move to higher commitment can be made.  Typically, a man should do the pursuing and make the move at the proper time.  The reason for male pursuit is simply because if a man really wants to be with a woman, he would have the where-with-all to say something.  And ladies, if he doesn’t feel the same way about you as you do about him, you probably don’t want to be with him.  If he doesn’t love you enough to do something as simple as open his mouth to ask, he won’t love you the way you want him to in other areas either. 

After the friendship stage is the “intentional stage.”  The intentional stage is a small step between friendship and deeper commitment.  During this time frame (a few short weeks), interest has been agreed upon between two people.  At this point, there is a possible interest in marriage and the two agree to have a safe period (intentional stage) to discover just a little bit more about the other before making a deeper commitment.  The two go on a few dates together and spend some alone time.  To clarify alone time, alone time is not spent behind closed doors.  It is important to always maintain a pure status that exists both physically between the two people and impressionably in the minds of those around them.  During the intentional stage, one-on-one time proves to be useful to see if you enjoy spending time together and to discover the other person a little bit more.  This stage is when you catch that “spark.”  The two people will either simply enjoy one another and enjoy their friendship, or they will catch “the spark”.  Some people have been known to catch a spark before this time, but if it is not caught at this time I would keep the relationship a friendship. 

After a few months of being “intentional”, the relationship is moved on to a full blown courtship.  This is not an official engagement.  The courting stage proves that two people have passed the test of friendship, mild dating and the two individuals now agree to have a deeper commitment to one another.  Boundaries are still necessary, but the two are seen as a committed couple pursuing marriage.  This is a preparation stage that allows the two people to get to know one another even more and allows them to prepare their lives for marriage.  Some things that the man needs to take consideration of during this time is how he will provide for the family.  He starts thinking about the future and how he will provide a home, transportation, food and other needs.  Not that he is suddenly a family man, but these things are thought of by a man who wants a wife.  The two do not avoid intimate conversations about family, hopes and dreams during courtship.  This is a preparation stage for marriage.  In due timing, the man makes the moves toward engagement.  Marriage is not something to postpone for a long period at this stage.  The sooner the better! 

The next stage of courtship is engagement.  This stage is an intense period to prepare for marriage.  This is the last chance you have to prepare to be a family.  If there is an extreme deal breaker during this stage, it is not to be avoided.  It is better to go through the pain of a breakup now that to get married and be laced into a life-long commitment.  Engagement is still a stage filled with purity, even though marriage is soon coming.  

After engagement, you get married!  Talk to me when you get close to the big day.  There’s a whole lot more goodness in marriage than you can possibly hope for or imagine.  Don’t be discouraged or alarmed by the current discord that exists in marriages.  If you approach marriage with good values and wise counsel, it makes the journey possible.  See, God knew marriage would be tough.  Like I said, when you put two people who sin under the same roof, there’s going to be some hiccups.  It all depends on how you handle those hiccups as to whether or not you’ll be happily married.  It’s totally possible… I’m living it! 

(if you haven’t… I recommend reading the blog on Dudes, Chicks & Love.  This may make more sense)