A Brief on Courtship                     by Clayton Thompson 

The bible doesn’t say much about “dating.”  So if you’ve looked to the bible for advice on dating, you’re probably as lost as I was.  As I’ve gotten older and now married, looking into the past is a nice point of view.  I can see the solutions to the questions that plagued my mind, and rights way to do the things I did wrong.  For those of you who do not share my luxery of looking back into single days, I would like to offer some words of hope to you.  To those of you who one day would like to be married, I think there’s actually a reasonable response to dating.  By no means is the suggestion I offer perfect or exact, but it’s a good outline that helps eliminate some of the potential hurts caused by an ending relationship.  Love is never a safe route to travel because by nature, it requires that two people become vulnerable and exposed.  That opens the doors to getting hurt.  At the same time, there are dating situations that are better at avoiding hurt.  If you’re interested, read the brief written below with a studious mind.  It’s my hope and concern that you would experience the goodness of a loving relationship and avoid undue hurt.

Brief on Courtship:

 Parties involved in a Courtship:           

* Unmarried Man (marriage is for men, not boys) 

* Unmarried Woman (marriage is for women, not girls)           

*  Close Men that love the Woman (Father, Brothers, Uncles, Best Friend, etc) They eliminate the unworthy guys.

Stages from Singleness to Marriage:

1. Friendship

2. Intentionality

3. Courting (practically engaged)

4. Engagement

5. Marriage 

Reasoning for Courtship:           

   Courtship is a response to the question, “How do I go from single to married?”  Courtship is very different from a “traditional” dating stance.  The purpose and intention of courtship is much more defined and specific.  There is a higher level of communication and commitment going into a courting relationship.  A dating relationship can begin soon after two people meet, but courtship has a period of friendship prior to committing to a more intimate relationship.  The reason courtship has an extended friendship period is that it allows two people to get to know each other in a safer setting before making a deeper commitment.  Those things that must be discovered about the other person (likes, dislikes, values, beliefs, etc) are found out through friendship.  And let’s face it, who wants to miss out on a good friendship?  If there is an intimate relationship before two people know each other, they begin to connect in intimate ways before the really know each other.  In a courtship, there is a safeguard from deeper hurts caused by premature intimacy.  If a relational “deal breaker” is identified during the friendship stage of courtship (where there’s no commitment), the dissatisfied person can silently withdraw his/her interest in the other person without experiencing a deeper hurt (i.e.:  hurts caused from breakup, public embarrassment, broken trust, etc).  There is usually an intensified hurt and baggage that comes through a breakup situation.  The sad thing is that most of those breakups could have been avoided.   

Once a longer period of friendship (6+ months) has proven its benefit by two people getting to know each other, a move to higher commitment can be made.  Typically, a man should do the pursuing and make the move at the proper time.  The reason for male pursuit is simply because if a man really wants to be with a woman, he would have the where-with-all to say something.  And ladies, if he doesn’t feel the same way about you as you do about him, you probably don’t want to be with him.  If he doesn’t love you enough to do something as simple as open his mouth to ask, he won’t love you the way you want him to in other areas either. 

After the friendship stage is the “intentional stage.”  The intentional stage is a small step between friendship and deeper commitment.  During this time frame (a few short weeks), interest has been agreed upon between two people.  At this point, there is a possible interest in marriage and the two agree to have a safe period (intentional stage) to discover just a little bit more about the other before making a deeper commitment.  The two go on a few dates together and spend some alone time.  To clarify alone time, alone time is not spent behind closed doors.  It is important to always maintain a pure status that exists both physically between the two people and impressionably in the minds of those around them.  During the intentional stage, one-on-one time proves to be useful to see if you enjoy spending time together and to discover the other person a little bit more.  This stage is when you catch that “spark.”  The two people will either simply enjoy one another and enjoy their friendship, or they will catch “the spark”.  Some people have been known to catch a spark before this time, but if it is not caught at this time I would keep the relationship a friendship. 

After a few months of being “intentional”, the relationship is moved on to a full blown courtship.  This is not an official engagement.  The courting stage proves that two people have passed the test of friendship, mild dating and the two individuals now agree to have a deeper commitment to one another.  Boundaries are still necessary, but the two are seen as a committed couple pursuing marriage.  This is a preparation stage that allows the two people to get to know one another even more and allows them to prepare their lives for marriage.  Some things that the man needs to take consideration of during this time is how he will provide for the family.  He starts thinking about the future and how he will provide a home, transportation, food and other needs.  Not that he is suddenly a family man, but these things are thought of by a man who wants a wife.  The two do not avoid intimate conversations about family, hopes and dreams during courtship.  This is a preparation stage for marriage.  In due timing, the man makes the moves toward engagement.  Marriage is not something to postpone for a long period at this stage.  The sooner the better! 

The next stage of courtship is engagement.  This stage is an intense period to prepare for marriage.  This is the last chance you have to prepare to be a family.  If there is an extreme deal breaker during this stage, it is not to be avoided.  It is better to go through the pain of a breakup now that to get married and be laced into a life-long commitment.  Engagement is still a stage filled with purity, even though marriage is soon coming.  

After engagement, you get married!  Talk to me when you get close to the big day.  There’s a whole lot more goodness in marriage than you can possibly hope for or imagine.  Don’t be discouraged or alarmed by the current discord that exists in marriages.  If you approach marriage with good values and wise counsel, it makes the journey possible.  See, God knew marriage would be tough.  Like I said, when you put two people who sin under the same roof, there’s going to be some hiccups.  It all depends on how you handle those hiccups as to whether or not you’ll be happily married.  It’s totally possible… I’m living it! 

(if you haven’t… I recommend reading the blog on Dudes, Chicks & Love.  This may make more sense)

To the human race

I sit here checking my email after having just gone to a great marriage ceremony.  I am having a series of thoughts about human relationships.  Going to a wedding always makes me think about a marriage union and its value.  I have a high view of marriage.  I hold high the utopian standard for wedlock.  The best marriage situation possible.  A man and woman meeting each other as friends, catching each others eye and moving forward into a great relationship with one another.  At least that’s what I think two people should shoot for.  Sometimes things work and sometimes they don’t.  Hopefully they protect each other and move forward with wisdom if things are not going as intended.  Not every couple are compatible, so discovering that sooner than later is a good thing.

Once marriage happens and a never-ending bond is sealed, the journey begins.  A journey of joy and of suffering.  There are times of immense happiness and also struggles that challenge the character of the team.  Placing two imperfect people in the same house for long enough will cause a schism at some point.  If you don’t believe that, I am guessing you are not married.  When a disagreement, a fight, or something else goes down, the team is tested.  During these tests, hopefully selfishness is burnt away and love grows.  It takes a strong person to be responsible and loving when they don’t “feel” like it.  No you can’t storm off as if you were in a network tv, no you can’t hit each other and no you can’t pull back and play the silent game forever.  Marriage will mature an individual if the person chooses to love.  Marriage is a great professor of humility.  During these lessons of humility, one realizes love is not always a happy feeling.  Not to dismiss the fact that happy feelings are attached to many wonderful moments, but love really comes through when you don’t “feel” like it.  Love is a choice.  You can act lovingly or you can not.  Acting in a kind way, caring anyway and forgiving when you think you were right are all great ways of showing love.  Yes, fogiving and loving even when the other person is wrong.  It’s not easy all the time.  If a person is struggling with acting in these ways, there is an obvious issue of pride.  Pride is willing to defend itself at all costs, even when it means harming the relationship.  In essence, pride would say “my position is more valuable than our relationship.  I will die on this hill, even at the expense of you.”  It’s and unfortunate stance to hold when you promised not to by responding with ”I do.”

For the boys… treat the ladies well.  They are all precious daughters of God most high.  It does not matter how they act or what they do, you should treat them well as if they were very special… because they are.  Chicks are often looked over, stepped on, abused and mistreated and that is not God’s intention or design.  Let’s restore what we can.  Young men, you have the ability to change things.  God has wired you to be agents of change.  It’s in your genetics from birth.  You have the ability to enter into a situation and uphold the truth and fight off offense meant for harm.  If someone speaks ill of a lady, speak the truth and shut it down.  Do not allow for gossip and do not allow for foolish acts.  Funny is a line that is often stumbled over, landing in foolishness and wrong.  Protect the ladies around you by holding a standard far greater than the present example given you.  You have it in you men.

For the ladies… respect and encourage the young men.  Treat them as they would be princes and protectors.  They will not always act as they have been designed to act, but the design is still inside them.  It is bursting at every seam to get out.  It shows up in poor form due to lack of guidance and encouragement.  Encourage the best from the young men.  Call them out in loving ways by speaking well of their great design.  Tell them that they are made to be leaders and protectors of their environment.  That their character and action is supposed to be that of Godly men.  Mighty men of God.  Able to care for their community, protect what is right and to passionately love their family with their word and deed.  They desperately need the words of encouragement that compel them into their design.

This is the husband, father and friend that I am trying to become.  A leader that will love my wife and family, care for my community and benefit the city where I live.  Some dragons have been slain and some are yet to be slain.  Love compels a good fight.  The love from my savior, the love for my family and the love for my friends.  Love will change a man.  What does a man desire but unfailing love?